A while back I saw a Christian counselor because I had a lot of unresolved anger, bitterness, and hurt stored up. I learned how to recognize shame messages, choose to forgive, give God my issues without holding onto them, and focus on the positive things in my life. However, there was still one area of myself that made me feel really uncomfortable. It was a part of me I saw as extremely dirty and shameful, and so was anything or any act involved with that part of me. That part was my reproductive system, if you know what I mean. And, of course, my sex life had been less than ideal because of my shame and disgust.
One session, my counselor asked me to pray, and ask the Holy Spirit when and where I developed disgust with my body, and the act of sex.
I closed my eyes and prayed. I could feel darkness…an overwhelming and very heavy sadness. The event I saw during that heavy, oppressive sadness was when my ex-husband convinced me to have sex too soon after our daughter’s birth. It was very painful. My stitches ripped out. I asked him to stop, but he didn’t. At the time I didn’t think much of it other than the pain. After all, he was my husband. A husband is supposed to love you more than anyone else, right? Surely he wouldn’t hurt me on purpose.
However, as I prayed in the counselor’s office, I saw Jesus was there when it happened. All I could feel was this unbelievably heavy sadness. My counselor told me to close my eyes again, and ask the Holy Spirit to show me what else I needed to see about or learn from that event.
I could see my ex-husband and me in our bedroom. He was really dark, and the room was also. I was hurting and wanting him to stop but he wouldn’t. Then I noticed what I looked like. I was a brilliant, glowing white…ALL of me!
My counselor asked what I felt, or what I thought the Holy Spirit was trying to tell me from that image. I had a hard time trying to describe it, but I said it was like He was showing me there was something precious. That thing was precious. It was being misused or something bad was happening to it, but the bad part was not me or my body, just what was happening. I struggled a little bit more on how to explain it, then I blurted out, There is nothing shameful about me. The shame is in how I was treated, but there is no shameful part of me.
“What did you say?” my counselor asked. I repeated the Holy Spirit was showing me the act was shameful, but there is no part of me that is dirty or shameful. “Say it again” she said.
There is no part of me that is dirty or shameful…Oh my, I just saw myself through God’s eyes! I am brilliant! I am precious! Did I really just say that? There is no part of me that is dirty or shameful!
In between the tears and laughter, the light broke through. My eyes were opened, and I really did see myself through Christ’s eyes. The scabs and wounds and heaviness fell off. For the first time I truly felt brilliant, glowing, and precious. I was truly in awe that I had just voiced out loud, There is no part of me that is shameful!
My counselor asked what I thought the Lord wanted me to do with that information. I felt strongly God was showing me ALL His little girls needed to know He sees them this way. We are all precious to Him, brilliant and beautiful, and we don’t even know it!
My counselor went on to say just as I didn’t understand the first time, and had to ask the Holy Spirit to show me more, Jesus did not completely heal a blind man the first time. Jesus asked what the man saw. The man said he saw men walking around like trees, so Jesus laid His hands on the man again and completely restored his sight. I told my counselor the fact that she referred to that story was a confirmation for me of what just happened because that very story was what my pastor preached on the Sunday before.
I know this is a long post, I am sorry! However, the reason I share this story is so you, my sisters and brothers, can be encouraged. There is healing and beautiful life after trauma if you will trust Jesus. He did not make that bad thing happen to me, but He can use it for our good if I let him, according to Romans 8:28. You can find the story of Jesus healing the blind man in Mark 8:22-26.
Katie Nelson Rau 
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